I’ve written before on Dead Tree Media about my proclivity for clipping and using coupons. If you are a new reader or want to relive that glorious rant click here. So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I set aside some coupons I got from Macy’s for a potential shopping trip.

As you can see these aren’t huge discounts. Taking 20% off purchases at Macys doesn’t exactly make it cheap to shop there and the two $10 off coupons are only good on purchases of $30 or more to start with.

They were sitting innocently on top of a pile of other papers when the temperature in Chicago actually fell below 1000 degress and I opened a window to finally let some fresh air into the carefully sealed and heavily air-conditioned bio-dome I’ve been living in. That’s when a gust of wind, possibly all the stale air escaping the house,  ruffled the papers and flipped the coupons upside down revealing this ugly mess of fine print.

Intrigued, I started reading through the list of things the coupons CANNOT be used for.  Big ticket items like matresses and furniture didn’t surprise me and my wife was kind enough to explain that not allowing coupons to be redeemed for cosmetics is fairly common.

Beyond that things start to get ridiculous. The most amazing exclusion has to be Sketcher’s Shape Ups, the new line from Sketcher’s that pushes the same gimmick Dr. Scholls did years ago; that walking in these shoes will tone your leg muscles. Yeah, I guess I can see that. If I could take ten dollars off a pair of those over-priced gimmick shoes I might find out they don’t actually do shit! Also excluded are Reebok Easytone shoes. Not sure what those are but I’m guessing it’s a similar thing. Luckily I already have damn fine legs so fuck em.

Also safely excluded from discount are Levi’s Dockers and clothes by Tommy Bahama. Thank god we’ve perserved the price integrity of mediocre clothing for middle-aged men.

Then there’s the list of entire departments or categories that are also off limits. Ready? Here we go:  designer handbags and sportswear, watches, eletrics (What’s an electric?  Does Macys sell toasters?), electronics, rugs, floor coverings and gourmet food and wine.

Next comes a whole bunch of designers who also not included: Armani, Baccarat, Coach, Dyson (Whoa! Slow down, you can’t just go discounting vacuums. That clearly leads to anarchy) Juicy Couture, Lacoste, Ralph Loren and his entire Polo line, Michael Kors, The North Face, Kate Spade, Tumi, Louis Vuitton and all Waterford China/Crystal/Silver. The last really made me laugh because if I can afford to buy Waterford Crystal, I ain’t clipping no fucking coupons, though I guess my butler might.

Just to be thorough here are the other excluded brands I’ve never even heard of: Dooney & Bourke (Aren’t they in the Harry Potter movies?), Ghurka, Henckels, Not Your Daughter’s Jean, Wusthoff (which should have an umlat but I’m not sure how to type one), and William Yeoward.

The coupons are good until October 13. If anyone wants to go on a treasure hunt to find out just what the coupons might actually be good for let me know and I’ll send them to you. Otherwise maybe I can use one to get a discount on a book of matches. That will help me take care of the other three.