Ignore the headline of this post. It’s total sarcasm and that rarely works online. Seriously, I could throw out sarcastic gems out all day long from our posh offices here in lovely Los Angeles, CA, but people would just get confused and think I had suddenly turned a corner in my anger management classes and suddenly started liking this crap.

Just to be clear, I don’t like this crap and it’s ads like this turd of a radio spot from Chase that keeps me going… and going… and going.

Chase Radio Spot – Chase Picks Up The Tab

A couple of things here, Chase…

First, I know you guys are new to the California market. You’re probably still throwing out all the signs that say Washington Mutual or WaMu. Maybe you had to rush this particular ad out of the door to make a deadline. I’m not a mind reader. But we’re a pretty media savvy marketplace here in the big city. We hear more ads than just about any place on the map these days because we’re such a major population center.

So, when we hear someone drag out the old chestnut of the recording engineer fighting with the voiceover guy, we cringe like an abused child. This is the kind of crap that kids in college are using for assignments and you’re using it as some of your first advertisements to a new market. You’re going to get calls… and not nice ones.

Second, since you were nice enough to provide me with an example, let’s take a look at this concept of an ad. I know, I know, you didn’t create the concept, but you’re still using it, so it’s your turn in the barrel.

So, back in the time of Marconi, when the first ad man pitched this idea, I bet he thought he was clever as shit.

Hey boss, I was down talking to the dames in the typing pool and came out with a real zinger of a radio spot.

Lay it on me, Johnson!

So, for the new radio spot for Dr. Franklin’s Mystical Medical Powder (now with extra cocaine!), we write the script so it sounds like the recording engineer and the announcer are getting into a bit of a row on the air.

I’m not following you; usually we would edit that kind of nonsense out in post.

Right! However, we won’t this time because the announcer will actually look like the straight man to the dopey engineer’s shenanigans. It will sound completely natural!

Now I get it! Why, it would like we somehow left the mics running and captured comedy lighting in a bottle. Genius!

Thanks, chief!

Nice work, now go take a three hour drinking lunch and have sex with your secretary. Ha ha! She won’t mind, it’s not like they have the vote yet!

Ha ha! We’re so modern!

Or something like that, I wasn’t there. My point is, people aren’t idiots. I know you copywriters are stuck in tight little cubicles like so much veal, but writing is your job, take some fucking pride in it for cry-eye. Do some damn research into the history of advertising and realize that the crap you just wrote for Chase has been done so many times that even the casual ad listener can pick this crap out of a lineup. I’m pretty sure my niece could see this joke coming and she’s 3. Is that your target here? Three year olds? You sick bastards.

Oh, and by the way, your online banking site sucks ass. Put WaMu’s back up until you learn how to talk to humans. How you guys came out the winners in the bank fallout is beyond my comprehension.

J.

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