I’ll wait a second while you run out and look up “hyperbole”…

Everybody back?  Good, good.  If you didn’t bother, the word basically means to blow something out of proportion for effect.  It’s a great literary device that lets you just say the craziest shit without having to back it up because it’s understood that whatever you said was never meant to be taken literally.

However, a little goes a long way. The world of advertising never seems to get that concept though.  Plus, advertising is one of those professions where everybody assumes you’re lying your ass off already, so if you start throwing around hyperbole like a newborn at a family picnic, you’re just going to start pissing people off.

For instance, here’s one that Verizon did this season:

Verizon Wireless – Holiday

Right out of the chute, “Verizon Wireless is the best destination for holiday gifts.” Really? Try explaining that to your 5 year old when you give him a phone instead of a bike for Christmas.  Sure, he’ll feel like a pimp for a bit, but when the other kids want to go ride bikes, the best he can do is call a cab.  So Verizon Wireless is really A destination for holiday gifts, but I don’t think it even made the top 10 best places for holiday gifts.

Other variations on this one is saying something is the “number one source” for one thing another.  It doesn’t matter what, they’ve apparently checked into it and called the union and they are officially the number one source for left handed eyebrow pluckers with your state motto written on it in Mandarin.

Here’s another one from the sporting goods retailer, The Sports Authority:

Sports Authority – Holiday – Best Offer EVER

Again, right out of the gate, “starting today at the Sports Authority, our BEST OFFER EVER!”  Ever? Really? Are you sure you want to throw that one down now?  I mean, ever is a pretty long time.  I’m sure you could look up your old offers and compare notes there, but “ever” means the future as well and I would hate to think that you peaked this soon.

I’m not being dense here, I’m just trying to make a point.  The “best EVER” stuff is part of the vernacular right now and it’s really damn annoying. Every restaurant, every movie, every song, etc. etc. is the BEST EVER!  For fuck sake, one, you sound like you’re 12 and two, you’re usually way the hell off target.  Sure, The Hangover was funny, but it wasn’t “the funniest movie EVER!”  No, not ever… maybe this year… sure, I could go for that, but ever? No, I’m sorry, you clearly just need to see more movies.

* * *

The whole word seems to be into doing this these days.  I’ve noticed some of my fellow bloggers are big fans of really taking things to such heights that you would think they ran out of adjectives or something.  The other day, one of the guys over at Nerve (one of my favorite sites) was commenting on Tara Reid’s spread in Playboy and called it an “atrocity upon mankind” (original NSFW post here)  Wow, that’s a bit much, isn’t it?  I mean, we’re not talking about the Nazis here, it’s Playboy airbrushing some photos like they always do.  I called them on this and their reply was, “yeah, that’s the joke. thanks for playing along.”  No, that’s not the joke, the pictures are the joke, that’s just you over doing it a bit for the circumstances.  Ease up, grab a Thesaurus.

I remember reading somewhere (I can’t remember where) when some hipster reviewer was talking trash about a recent release and he called it “an abortion.”  First of all, gross; second of all, no, no it wasn’t.  That movie could be the worst thing every made and it would be a far cry from an abortion. I don’t care what side of that argument you come down on, it’s just a fucking movie.

I put this up there with the abuse the word “literally” lately. “OMG, like his head literally exploded.”  Sorry, what? His head exploded?  No, of course not, but that’s not what the word means.  Just back it off a tad, no one will think any less of you, promise.

Again, the humor isn’t lost on me… I get it, I really do. You’re making it bigger than it needs to be for effect, awesome.  But you do it all the damn time.  Every damn review, every comment, every time you eat out, etc. etc. Seriously, everything can’t be the best or the worst EVER.  You can’t just use this valuable tool at every turn or you just sound like a douche bag.

Unless you’re talking about anything with Sarah Jessica Parker in it, and then it’s just a fact that it’s the worst abortion ever.

J.

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