Look at this fucking watch, man! Just look at it!  It’s like a big throbbing member, but the throbbing member tells time! Can you feel the power? The throbbing power? Feel it, mother fucker, feel it!  It’s like a racing machine on the wrist, if that wrist was my cock!

We would have used Richard's balls if the magazine would have let us!

Sorry, the ad just took me somewhere…

One of my astute readers noticed that, despite the fact that the name of this site is Dead Tree Media, I don’t actually review a lot of dead tree based advertisements.  After I gave him a dollar so he could find a place to sleep tonight, I explained to him that I just don’t encounter much of the stuff anymore.  I, like many Americans, don’t read a lot of magazines, have stopped reading newspapers all together, and taking pictures of outdoor ads just causes traffic accidents…

Anyway, recently I found myself flipping through some upper-crust magazine that someone left on the floor of the men’s toilet.  I can’t even remember the name of the publication because I just ripped the ad I wanted out of it and threw it aside like one of Tiger’s girlfriends (Zing!).  The magazine was just filled with goofy, over-priced shit, though.  Boats, vacations, jewelry, and watches like this one.

I swear, over the years I’ve found that nine times out of ten, really bad ads like this one are more the fault of the client than the agency, if there was an agency involved at all.  I don’t even know why some companies bother with agencies anymore because all they really wanted was someone to take the pictures and assemble their vision.  I would put money down that this ad was the vision of the head of this watch manufacturer, who in my mind sounds like Dr. Strangelove.

AGENCY REP: Well Mr. Millie, we have some lovely mock ups to show you today and…

MR. MILLIE: Silence, Fraulein!

AGENCY REP: Ok…

MR. MILLIE: Last night I had a vision of just how I want my ad to look and your petty thoughts on the matter are not welcome!

AGENCY REP: Fantastic.

MR. MILLIE: Yes, it is fantastic!

AGENCY REP: Is the yelling necessary, because…

MR. MILLIE: Silence! Now, the ad is a picture of a black background, and on that black background is a giant fist, and on that giant fist is one of my watches, in all its glory!

AGENCY REP: Well, that actually sounds quite normal…

MR. MILLIE: Silence! (shoots the rep in the foot)

AGENCY REP: AHHHH! Fuck! You shot me!

MR. MILLIE: I am not finished!

AGENCY REP: So you shot me? What the fuck?!?

MR. MILLIE: Now, under the watch, I saw the text, “A Racing Machine On The Wrist”

AGENCY REP: What? I think I’m going into shock, did you say, “A Racing Machine On The Wrist”?

MR. MILLIE: Yes, Fraulein!

AGENCY REP: Ugh, getting sleepy… um, wait, but you said the picture was just of a fist with the watch on it, what’s the racing part?

MR. MILLIE: Silence! (shoots the rep in the other foot)

AGENCY REP: AHHHHH, MOTHER!

MR. MILLIE: I like racing machines!  Everybody here loves racing machines!

AGENCY REP: Who the fuck says, “racing machines.” What is this, The Great Race?

MR. MILLIE: I do not get your reference…

AGENCY REP: That’s OK, I think we lost the readers a few lines back…

My point here is, this ad was probably OK with just the photo of the watch.  I mean, that’s what you’re selling here and the image is powerful on its own, so you can skip the thrilling copy.  But clearly this company (or the dealer that bought it) has more money than sense because they not only bought this one page, but the spread on the next two pages as well…

Before you give me grief on all this high end photography, just remember that I have to do this shit myself.  It’s not like this idiot is going to send me an ad to fuck with.

J.

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