Growing up my mother imparted a few pearls of wisdom to us kids including this little nugget, “For free take! For buy waste time.” OK, I never really got the “waste time” thing and I’m probably horribly misquoting her but you get the point. Free is free! Grab what you can.

In recently came across two “free” offers that are causing me to rethink my mom’s sage advice. The first is from Nabisco who produces the little slices of heaven known as Oreos. When I found this coupon I think I actually sprouted blue fur and rumbled “Cookie!”

I dutifully went to the Nabisco Facebook page only to discover the fine print which reads, “Customer must buy 1 package of Nabisco cookies, 1 gallon of milk and any other size milk and get their second purchase of cookies for free.” Even ignoring the amazingly piss-poor grammar, I was mad. I thought I was getting free cookies which somehow taste even better than cookies you buy.

Reading the ensuing Facebook comments I learned the offer works for people with a bunch of little rug-rats that go through cookies and milk like… well… cookies and milk. Regardless I can’t imagine what possessed Nabisco to piss off consumers like me who have faithfully devoured Oreos for years but have no need for two packages of cookies and an entire cow’s worth of milk at one time. It’s not like there isn’t a free social marketing webinar starting every hour on the hour that would have explained the stupidity of this plan.

Then my faith in free was almost renewed.

I even heard a radio commercial for the offer that explains at length how it’s not a scam. It’s just free breakfast so you’ll try their new product. I should be excited right? I’ll let ABC News explain the problem:

June 7, 2010 (CHICAGO) (WLS) — An outbreak of salmonella illnesses in Illinois has grown. Health officials now report 48 cases.

The cases are linked to Subway restaurants in 18 Illinois counties, including Will County. That was the first county in the Chicago area to report an illness. There are two confirmed cases there.

People who ate at the restaurants got sick between May 11 and May 25. Seventeen people were hospitalized. All are recovering.

So, I ask you loyal Dead Tree Media readers; what’s worse? A free offer that will cost you about $10 or one that might leave you with diarrhea, vomiting, nausea, abdominal cramps, chills and muscle pain?