I remember when these spots started showing up on the radio and TV and thinking, “look at the sack on this mofo!” Not just for the fact that he put his own social security number on the line, but because I already knew the service he was providing was a big load of crap.

If you didn’t know, putting security holds on your credit reports are something that you can do for free with all of the credit reporting services. It basically keeps people from looking at your scores unless you really, really want them to. Sure, you have to contact the three different companies yourself, but you can do it fairly quick these days. By the way, same goes with getting your credit report… totally free. I know you love the little jingles from FreeCreditReport.com, but they are really pushing something you can get for free anyway so that they can sell you a similar credit monitoring service. Hell, half of you just read that twice and will still go to either site when the need arrives… ya big pack of zombies.

Anyway, if you read the TechDirt article, you’ll see that not only did the company get popped for bogus claims in their advertising (which takes a lot, by the way), the CEO in the commercial actually got his identity stolen. That’s just a big sack of awesome right there.

If that wasn’t awesome enough for you, the idiot actually went to the house of guy who stole his identity to get a confession out of him. Now that’s a service I would pay for! Hell, if I knew that someone from LifeLock was personally going to go to the home of a guy who snagged a loan using my social security and smacked him around a little, you could name your price for the service and I would pay it with a big goofy grin on my face.

But only if it included a video of the ass kicking… I’m not paying good money for a stern talking to here…

J.

For instance, according to the New York Post this morning, known real world fuck up, Lindsey Lohan and her bottom feeding lawyer have decided that they want to sue the online trading company E-TRADE for the use of the name “Lindsey” in their latest talking baby commercial.

The spot, which was used for the Super Bowl this year, features a player baby explaining to his girlfriend baby why he didn’t call last night (because he was trading online, which is totally believable, by the way). The girlfriend baby then asks him if that “milkaholic, Lindsey was there,” and the milkaholic in question leans into frame and says, “milka-what?”

The commercial is funny as hell; actually, most of the spots in this campaign are funny as hell (I’m kind of partial to the golfing one, myself).  However, Lindsey and her lawyer seem to think that the agency that produced it is picking on the fair Lohan and are going to try and take them to court.

Apparently, Lindsey forgot to check around that there are other kids named Lindsey in the world, like for instance, the one at the agency where the ad was made that was the true-life inspiration for the ad.  Check that, they used her name, I have no idea if this chick is really a milkaholic or not, so don’t jump to any conclusions there.

You know, a few years back someone came out with a movie that used my name, Jeffrey, as a title.  I was really excited about that until I found out it was a “coming of gay” comedy featuring one of the guys from the old “Wings” TV series from the 80s.  With my dashing good looks, I have a hard enough time convincing people I’m not gay, so having a movie about a gay guy with my name probably wasn’t going to help.  But did the idea of suing the makers of the movie ever cross my mind?  No, of course not, because I’m not fucking crazy.

I don’t follow the celeb rags too much these days, but from what I hear, Lindsey is a real mess.  Unlike most people, I actually kind of find this a little sad because I thought she had some real promise as an actress when she was younger.  Apparently, she doesn’t really have a dime to her name, which makes me wonder where she’s getting the cash for a lawyer to pull this shit.

You have to also wonder what it was like at the E-TRADE offices this morning.  Honestly, I hope they had a good laugh over all of this knowing that it will mean nothing but good things for them.  Hopefully they are not too uptight about it all, thinking it’s going to “damage the brand” or any of that bullshit.  Even if E*Trade loses, all the exposure they get from this is worth way more than a $100 million media buy, which is what Lohan is asking for in the lawsuit.

The whole thing will probably get thrown out of court and Lohan will have to resort to dating her lawyer in public for a few months to cover his fees for this circus. The only brand that will get damaged here is Lindsey Lohan’s, and she was pretty rock bottom to start with, so maybe it will be the thing that really snaps her out of this nutty phase of hers before they find her at the bottom of a lake after her pimp snuffs her out for stealing his blow.

Sweet tap dancing christ that was dark ending to this post… go back up and look at the babies again and you’ll be crapping rainbows in no time.

J.

Actually, I’m here to talk a little bit about this year’s winners.  I know, to bitch about an awards show is kind of lame, but being lame has never stopped me before, so here goes.  By extension, movies are part of the Dead Tree crowd and, just like my reviews of traditional advertising, I’m doing it from the point of view of a consumer, not a film maker or professional reviewer.

If you follow me on Twitter, you probably saw me say that if The Hurt Locker won best anything, I would be surprised and slightly pissed off.  Well, The Hurt Locker won a lot of stuff this time, so here I am, surprised and slightly pissed off.  I probably would have left it there, but a couple of things happened during the show that reminded me why I was going to be slightly pissed off.

For starters, my Twitter post earned me some criticism, “is there anything you like about anything???? are you living in America right now or overseas??”  She was actually kidding a little, but I did feel it was necessary to clarify that the reason why I was not rooting for The Hurt Locker was because I felt it had some serious script and pacing issues that bugged me both times I watched the thing and not because I hate America or our soldiers.

Seriously, the flick had characters get introduced (like, the base psychiatrist) that just kind of disappeared, even though they went to the trouble of dragging them along on a mission.  The movie painted the lead as this reckless rebel kind of guy, but without actually looking into why or how he got that way.  Plus, there were a couple of instances where you could tell Bigelow really loved a shot so much, she let it drag way longer than it needed to be on screen.  During the broadcast, the screenwriter kept repeating that they really wanted to make the movie the way they wanted, so there weren’t a lot of test screenings, etc., but quite honestly, I would have loved to see what the movie would have been like if they had.

Then there was the whole deal about how Bigelow was the first woman to win Best Director.  Frankly, any woman who rooted for her to win Best Director just because she was a woman should really reevaluate things a bit.  The trick would have been that if she made a completely stellar movie AND she just happens to be a woman.  Look, I really do appreciate that women have it tough in show business and that, like a lot of things, the old guard made it next to impossible to get started, but honestly, do you want to be remembered for making a great movie or because you were a woman director?

It would be like if they made a big deal out of the first Scot to win Best Director.  It doesn’t make any difference in how movies are made, so we really need to keep this battle of the sexes bullshit out of things and just focus on the craft.

This is the 21st Century. Singling people out because they are different is beneath us as a culture. We need to stop focusing on if someone is the best man, woman, or whatever at anything and just focus at being the best human at something.

Now, you may ask, does that mean I was rooting for Avatar and James Cameron? Not necessarily.  Believe it or not, I actually think Avatar had some serious script issues as well, but then again, given Cameron’s history, it was kind of expected.  I know as a geek, I’m supposed to love everything he does, and I actually do, but to be honest, the guy has always been more about the great effects with a pretty good story, than about a great screenplay.  The action is always great, but the dude just cannot write dialog to save his life.

However, given the efforts that went into Avatar, I could see it deserving Best Director and Best Picture a little bit more than Hurt Locker.  I mean, the flick took like ten years to make and they pretty much had to invent a whole new way of making movies to pull it off and it’s that kind of effort that I think should be rewarded come Oscar time.  Sometimes it actually does work out that way, if you think about the past winners.  Compared to some of the other movies that came out the year it won, Titanic wasn’t that great a flick, but man, we all knew it took a crap load of work to get it on the screen. So I defended it winning that year, even though I, like most men, just went to see the boat sink.

Honestly, of the movies I saw that were up for Best Picture, the only one that really moved me in a way that I’m sure to watch it again some day was, Up.  The first ten minutes of that flick had me weeping like an old Vulcan and the rest had me laughing out loud (especially the doberman with the busted collar).  The script was well written, the movie was visually stunning, the acting was spot on, and hell, it was even financially successful.  All the makings of a Best Picture, but alas, it was a cartoon, so it was lucky to even make it into the running this year.

Before you get really bent out of shape, I’m not saying that The Hurt Locker was a bad movie.  No, I actually thought the acting was great and it was pretty decent story.  Honestly, I give it a strong B or B+, but that doesn’t make a Best Picture.  But what do I know, right?  I get on people who arbitrarily throw out the word “horrible” or “awful” when describing movies that are neither because it’s a bit extreme most of the time and, quite honestly, I’ve seen what horrible and awful movies really look like.  Then again, I rarely go ape shit over a flick that is wildly popular, either.  I’m usually the jerk that goes, “well, it was OK, but let’s not get crazy.”

My point here is that, movies and the people that make them should be judged for the efforts and the results of those efforts and not because a movie about the war comes out while the war is still raging or because an actor that’s been working a long time has never received an award or because this is the first left-handed director ever nominated. But then again, I have to remember, humans are still involved in the decision making process… the same humans that have made The Rocky Horror Picture Show one of the longest running theatrical releases of all time.

J.

For starters, how is just trading for water balloons a form of disrespect so harsh that you become a balloon?  How is any of this shit worthy of the horror movie quality punishments these kids are getting?  If I were a kid, I would be fucking terrified to drink Capri Sun from now on for fear of angering the gods of pouch based fruit drinks.  Speaking of terrified, how is it the other kids in the balloon and turtle spots aren’t freaking right the fuck out when they see this transformation?  Are kids this desensitized to these kind of mind fucks these days?

Always frickin’ hated those pouches anyway.  When we were kids, after getting frustrated with the lame ass little straws, my kid sister and I would cut the fuckers open and pour the juice into a big girl/boy glass, then question the pouch’s manhood to its face and yet, here we stand…

Also, “Respect the Pouch?”  Last time I had a guy screaming that at me, I stayed in town too late in West Hollywood on Halloween and got caught between two waring tribes of guys dressed as Chippendales dancers and the cast of 300.

J.

Well that guy is a bloke named Harry Taylor and he’s about to go to jail for leaving a mock “No More Nails” ad featuring a smiling Jesus on the cross in the prayer room at John Lennon airport in Liverpool.  I can’t get a copy of the ad he used without stealing it, but here’s an example of the joke that really got him in hot water:

So, for starters… cool! There’s a John Lennon airport in Liverpool!

Two, my point in posting both the mock ad and the video is that this joke is not new by any stretch of the imagination.  Using Christ on the cross in an ad for liquid nails is one of those jokes that everybody swears they thought of first, like when the news came out that they were going to build a wall around Mexico and people said, “who will they get to build it?”  It’s an easy leap… I’ll give you points for it, but don’t get cocky kid.

Now, our hero is actually not going to jail for creating this ad… otherwise they would have to round up half of England.  No, no, this man is being sent to jail for being a dick and leaving a joke that we all know as being distasteful to religious folk in the friggin’ prayer room at an airport.

So, kids, the moral here is, want to stay out of jail? Don’t be a dick.

J.

Beautifully shot, great music, fantastic editing and I swear that bulldog just flat out smiles at the end, but how is it that Creativity took so much time to come up with such a pretty piece of film that they forgot to show the actual product until the very end of the spot?  Seriously, cut out the last dog falling into place and which dog food is this spot for again?

This is the same problem I had with a crapload of other ads from the Super Bowl and most of the time, it’s just a matter of creative editing.  Honestly, slip a few more shots of the bag in the shot or hell, just put the damn logo down at the bottom and you’re done.  You’ll burn that client’s name right into people’s heads.

Right now, this ad is going viral, and it’s  damn good thing that the name of the product is part of the title of the video, so they may get some brand juice out of this yet, but next time guys, remember who the hell you’re working for when you get out the fancy cameras.

J.

Frankly, with my luck, I would end up with someone trying to tear all the hair off my junk rather than Miss Rio de Janeiro, so I think I’ll pass…

J.

Oddly enough, this find was the result of looking at what is actually a pretty great response commercial from Gillette to Dove’s new “I’m a Man!” commercial from the Super Bowl.

Sure, it took them about a month, but I have to admit, that’s pretty fast for an agency working for a big, old company like Gillette these days. It’s a funny visual, it gets to the point, and if you look close enough, they even took the time to make the competitor’s bottle look feminine with a little butterfly. Nicely done.

But then you gotta break my heart with this piece of crap for their razor line:

For starters, it’s just not that funny, but more importantly, they break a couple of important steam room rules within seconds. First, you don’t ever talk in the steam room, even to your buddies, and second, you certainly don’t ever touch me in the steam room.

Trust me, if a bunch of redneck race car drivers and their pit crew call out my sensitive skin in the steam room, I’m more worried about them reenacting a scene from Deliverance than a close shave.

J.

Seriously, you think you might have an idea of what their ad budget is, but if you took that number in your head and multiplied it times 10 or 20, you would probably still come up a little short. Put it this way, if you had the amount of money they spend on their campaigns for just one year and you lost 90% of it in a bet to see who could down a whole shaker of salt like my buddy Sean did back in high school, you would still never have to work another day in your life to get by quite nicely.

That. Fucking. Much.

So, when I see really big damn ads like this one that you can find outside of L.A. Live in Los Angeles, I just have to wonder if K-C is just spending money to spend money or if the return on investment is just that damn good.

How do you roll?

First, let me apologize for that horrible photo.  I took it with my phone as I was stumbling out of a Clipper game the other night. You may ask why I didn’t have my good camera with me, but what you should really be asking yourself is, who the hell goes to Clipper games?

Anyway, if you can’t tell, that ad is on the side of three very large buildings and is part of a massive campaign Cottonelle has going right now for that they call “The Great Debate. The Cottonelle Roll Poll.”  You can’t see the text on the middle building at all, but it honestly says, “Tell us how you roll.”

Holy crap, where to start…

First, the answer is “over”… always, always, always.  I know they have a bunch of people on the site that claim they go under, but they’re being paid to do so.  Plus, the poll on the site may have about 22% of the voters saying they go under, but they’re just idiots who probably don’t use toilet paper anyway.  Trust me, my dad owned a maid service when I was a kid and I worked for a hotel for three years… it always goes over.

Second, did they blow their whole fucking budget on getting that ad on the side of the building? Because they certainly didn’t spend it on a quality graphic designer.  What are those pictures, PowerPoint clip art?  I’ve seen instructions for Ikea furniture with better graphics.

Third, just because you CAN use mobile in your advertising, doesn’t mean you need to use mobile in your advertising. This kind of crap reminds me of the early days of the net when CEOs would scream down hallways to make sure we put the URL in the print ads so they could jack up their stock price by looking internet savvy.  Mobile and social media are the new URLs of the dead tree media world and while sometimes they hit their mark, most of the time they just look like the resident advisor at a dorm party… awkward and out of place.

My good friend, Cindy Krum of Rank Mobile, who is perhaps one of the best mobile marketing experts around, would probably think this ad was great because it incorporates a mobile marketing strategy.  But then I would reminder her that the ad sucked ass, then she would tell me to stop being such a dick, and I would smile and agree because she’s a ginger and they have a strange power over me.

Anyway, now that you realize just how sucky that ad is to start with, you should be even more pissed off at how much it cost to put it all together.  They had to rent the space, create the ad (it’s either painted on or it’s three really large pieces of printed plastic), hire a crew to put it up, and work with a company to manage the mobile campaign attached to the ad.  That’s a lot of damn money to advertise a product that is used to wipe your ass.

Honestly, if Cottonelle just put out a small ad in the local newspaper that read, “Hey, instead of spending an ass load of money on a really big damn ad on the side of a building, we’re going to put all the kids that graduate from high school in East LA through college. Now, please use our product.” I would promise my ass would see nothing but Cottonelle for the rest of my life.

J.

Anyway, while I was in old London town, I remember seeing these ads on my way to and from the airport, but I didn’t have a chance to get any pictures of them.  Luckily enough, they have taken on a life of their own here on the net, so I don’t really need to bother.

Here’s the original ad in all its schmaltzy glory…

I guess these ads aren’t all that bad from a design front, but there’s just something weird about the message. I guess that’s why they are seeing responses like this around town (warning, there’s a big old C-word a comin’ round the bend!):

"I never voted Tory before, because I'm not a cunt."

A few years back, I actually dated and lived with a woman who was raised a Republican and never really bothered to question what it was all about when she grew up.  This was back when Little George W was running for office.

We used to have these funny conversations about why she was voting for him that would always end with her saying that maybe we shouldn’t discuss politics.  My problem was always that, when I asked her why she was voting for him, she would say things like, “well, he’s really for education…”  My response was always, “…and Gore is against education?”, while scrunching up my face and looking at her like she was a crazy person.

I think that’s my problem with these ads.  By stating things like, “I like their plans to help families,” it makes it sound like the opposing parties (there are a crap load there, but let’s say “Labor” just to pick one) sound like they are somehow anti-family or anti-family program or that they have no plans for families… you get my point.  But then, that’s exactly what they want, don’t they?

Look, vote however you want, but have a good argument ready for when people ask about it or you just look like you’re towing the party line. Trust me, it’s OK to say you just don’t like the guy and his politics, but don’t sound like you’re reading from a cheat sheet from your party.

I remember when Obama was running for office and John Oliver of The Daily Show was out interviewing people at a McCain rally.  He asked one women why she wasn’t voting for Obama and she said, “Well, I’m concerned about the whole Muslim thing.”  Oliver responded, in his very British way, “So apart from the fact that he isn’t, what is it then?”

J.