I didn’t consciously know it at the time but Novi High School, just like pretty much every other school in America, ran on social currency.

It’s a simple system.

Everyone has an account with a starting balance dependent on your rung of the social status ladder. You make deposits, like being able to buy liquor at age 15 because you can already grow a beard, and withdrawals, like wearing glasses that went out of style three years earlier. Your balance determines who will talk to you and who won’t. 

Then there’s social media; sites like Facebook and Twitter that help you communicate with friends, family and colleagues. I would explain further but since you are reading a blog I’m guessing you are on point with this concept already.

What’s important to realize is that neither of these have anything to do with accumulating rewards points by making purchases with your American Express. Not even buying beer at age 15 because anyone who is underage and stupid enough to charge a keg is a moron and shouldn’t get any reward points.

This spot is nothing more than a cheap attempt to associate the Am Ex rewards system with the idea of social media because it’s a trendy buzzword.

Shopping online is not social media. Amazon doesn’t deliver raincoats at night in doorways and Ticketmaster has nothing to do with posting pictures to Flickr. 

Now maybe there’s something I’m not aware of and playing Cityville somehow helps accumulate points on your Am Ex. If so, than I apologize, but I’m pretty sure the two have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

Yes it’s great you can use your rewards points online but the idea this has something to do with social media is just another attempt at bandwagon jumping by a lame marketer.

Oh well. I like Angry Birds better anyway.

I get a little pain in the back of my neck every time I come across a commercial that attempts to associate a buzzword and a product that have absolutely no relation to each other.

For example, DIGITAL vacuuming:

Look, Dyson makes great vacuums. I just don’t understand the need to make this product into something it isn’t: digital.

Digital implies the unit runs on binary, a language of ones and zeroes. Do you really think there is some sensor transmitting a one for dirt and a zero for no dirt?

Digital implies the vacuum has computing power. Do you really think there is an algorithm being applied to help users decide which attachment configuration will be most helpful for cleaning up the Cheerios your three-year old kid spilled?

Finally, at the end of the spot the mystery is cleared up.

This unit uses Dyson’s new “digital motor.” Ohh. The MOTOR is digital. Well why didn’t you just say so. Sure, it might seem mechanical to the untrained eye. It might sound mechanical to the untrained ear. But no, this motor is digital.

My neck hurts.

Either the people working at the agency that handles print advertising for Nivea don’t gamble much or they are utter morons. Tough call.

The headline on this ad reads, “Look Like You’re All-In,” a poker term used when someone bets all of their remaining chips.

The copy in the body of the ad includes several more poker references: ”Keep your poker face refreshed,” “Keep your game sharp with poker sunglasses,” and this incredibly cheesy line, “take your online tourney mojo straight to the table.”

Here’s the problem: that’s not a poker table. The guys in the picture are playing ROULETTE.

I might be able to forgive the, “Look Like Your All-In.” At some point when you play roulette you eventually bet your last chips. But I’ve NEVER heard anyone at a roulette table say they are, “all-in,” and I lived in Las Vegas for four years and travel back regularly.

But even if you overlook the headline, you don’t need a poker face when you play roulette, there’s very little game to sharpen, you don’t need sunglasses — even if you’re stoned and your eyes are red the casino doesn’t care — and no one,  not a single person on the face of god’s green earth, has an “online roulette tourney mojo.”

I can’t even begin to fathom how nobody in the chain of assembling and approving this ad noticed the huge disconnect.

The final ironic twist, found at the bottom of the ad, is a Nivea/Wired Magazine co-promotion called the “Decoding Vegas Experience,” where you could win a trip to Las Vegas and including a look behind the scenes at how casinos work. Please tell me someone from Nivea is going on that trip.

More importantly, if they are going,  let me know if they plan to play any poker. I might have to pack up my online tourney mojo and poker sunglasses to go sit in that game.

Is it really this hard to sell a fucking taco these days?

Below is the train wreck that is the commercial for Taco Bell’s new “Cheesy Double Decker Taco,” the latest attack on America’s colons.

There are so many things wrong with this add that I feel like I’m going insane.

First, why are they all dressed up? Is this a fancy party that is serving Taco Bell tacos as a dining selection? One of the two key girls is wearing friggin’ pearls and one woman walking by is in a silk mini skirt. Either I’m going to the wrong parties or some part of the country is just phoning it in on the catering these days.

Second, and most obvious, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? Is he on E? Is he retarded? Or could he be the one human that really loves tacos that much. Trust me, I loves me some tacos. I even loves me some Taco Bell tacos. But, until tacos cure HIV, I’m just never going to have that much passion for junk food.

Third, where is Taco Bell getting its ingredients that it can still sell anything for less than $1 in the US? I can’t make tacos at home for that little, even if I get all the stuff from Costco, so what’s in those things? I mean, I’ll still set them after a heavy night of drinking, but when I sober up, I better not stink of Soylent Green.

– J

PS – Yes, I used the word retard in the title. Save your comments, they’ll be rightly ignored. The day people started using “mentally challenged” is the day that retard became nothing more than an insult that meant stupid.

I’m not a big fan of the tone of the new iPhone commercials. The sentiment of, “If you don’t have an iPhone then you suck,” feels excessively smarmy, even for Apple.

But perhaps I judged too quickly. Maybe I underestimated the true power of having an iPhone with constant access to iTunes. The Genius function that analyzes my library and recommend music I might enjoy is especially impressive. I’m always looking for ways to find new, intriguing music that fits my tastes. Now, thanks to this commercial, I’ve come to understand how having an iPhone could really help me out. 

That is so awesome. Did you see how iTunes’ Genius led that person to download music from a cool, underground artist called The Doors? It sure looks like an interesting, adventureous suggestion. I’ve certainly never heard that group on any of the over 1000 classic rock radio stations in America let alone seen an Oliver Stone movie about them.

Thank You Apple for coming through with such a wonderful suggestion. I now realize how truly enriching having a iPhone can be.

Allow me to calibrate your notion of history. Remember these dates:

• 1878 – Thomas Edison patents the light bulb.
• 1908 – The Model T becomes popular. 
• 1979 – The Chevy Chevette is the best selling car in America.

Now watch this Infiniti spot:

OK, so according to Wikipedia, electric cars were actually common at the start of the 20th century and then there was a renewed interest during the 1970′s gas crisis. But cmon, this commercial references three years: 1888 which is  30 years before electricity became common in people’s homes; 1909 which is just after Henry Ford first introduced the Model T, the first affordable car for the middle class; and 1978 when Chevy was ramping up sales of the Chevette and Ford was still selling new Pintos.

Seriously, most people in 1888 were worried about Cholera not hybrids. Even in 1978 the general public was far too concerned with fighting the war against disco and bell bottoms to give much though to hybrid cars. 

Plus the spot essentially says Infiniti’s hybrids are more fun to drive than cars from 1908 or 1978. I say well done! A 2011 Infiniti is more fun to drive than a Ford Model T or an AMC Pacer. Damn, you guys are good!

It used to be that owning a Porsche was a symbol of status and wealth. Driving one was an achievement. It put you into rarefied air above us mere mortals driving our Fords and Chevys. At the very worst it was a bright beacon that screamed middle-aged crisis for the guy driving one whil wearing a cheap suit with a comb over and even then the car was still cool even if the driver wasn’t. 

Not anymore.

Some genius decided the way to sell more Porsches in America is to convince soccer moms that the once elite sportscar is actually a great replacement for their minivans or, even better, to sell hard working blue collar handyman types on abandoning their gas-guzzling giant pick up trucks in favor of hauling heavy stuff in a Porsche. A PORSCHE! If you own a Porsche and use it for hauling kids, groceries or lawn fertilizer you’ve sadly missed the point of owning a Porsche. Please return it to the dealership immediately then head to a Chrysler dealer and buy a new Town and Country.

Better yet, buy two minivans, if you bought a Porsche you can probably afford it. The Carerra GTS shown in the “Getaway Car” segment of the spot costs over $100,000. I hope to god no one ever uses a car that costs more than most people’s annual salaries to take a drooling dog with explosive diarherea to the vet or to haul a load of manure home to fertilize the azaleas.  If you do that you had better be rich enough to afford a Rolly Royce and really be using the Porsche really as your beater.

Otherwise, please stop ruining my dream car.

Sorry, this isn’t as fresh a post as I would have liked. If you didn’t know, I started my own internet marketing agency a few months back and I’ve been slammed.  Plus, Mike, my other writer, has been swamped with actual work as well, so DTM got a slightly lower priority… until I saw this junk about an outdoor at for Calvin Kline’s sub-line, CK One.

Critics of the ad quickly went nuts claiming they saw something that actually wasn’t there at all: the word “fuck” spelled out in a combination of the table behind the model’s ass, her undies, and the “ck” in the product name, “ck one.”  The problem is, of course, that it’s not the word “fuck”… it’s a table, a pair of underwear, and two letters that are already part of the product name.

People love the idea of subliminal advertising… it gives them what they think is proof that there’s things like secret societies, shadow governments, and all kinds of other conspiracy laden bullshit in the world when there really isn’t.  The great thing these folks have going for them is that if you disagree with them, they get to call you naive and rave about how if you think there isn’t dark shit happening in this world, you’re fooling yourself.

Of course there’s dark shit going on in the world… there’s just no need to hide it behind the scenes.

Back when I was in high school, my political science teacher, Mr. Jones, who was awesome, used to bring up this kind of stuff in class all the time, but in a way that would really fuck with people’s head.  For instance, he would show an ad, like the one below, that is a popular favorite for the subliminal message set, and then ask you to find a totally different word than what was supposed to be in there… like “penis” or something.

The hilarious thing would be that people would actually claim to see the word penis in the ad.  ”Oh, Mr. Jones! I see it!”  It was awesome, because there wasn’t the word penis anywhere in the ad, just like the word “sex” wasn’t in the ice cubes.

When other media outlets covered this story, they always featured a “man on the street” type person asking people if they were offended by the fact that the word “fuck” had been inserted into the ad.  See what I did there?  I just told you the word “fuck” was in that ad… I didn’t tell you to try and find it on your own, I didn’t even say, “can you find a dirty word” in that ad?” and that’s what the reporters do all the time.  They even point it out in great detail, telling them what objects make up what word, etc.

Then they sit back and get the reactions of the shocked and offended public, who will no doubt want it torn down immediately.

There’s no sex in the ice cubes, there’s no fuck in the ck one ad, there’s no penis in the Little Mermaid castle, there’s no girl sucking off a guy in the coke can, there’s no sex in the stacked Pepsi cans from the 80s… they’re simply not there.  This is the same game as trying to find shapes in the clouds, except, there’s never really a bunny in the clouds… it’s a fucking cloud.

JF

You’re welcome! I took an hour out of my life to decipher this ridiculously convoluted ad and I did it all for you.

So please, allow me to break this mish-mash down into its component parts:

 First there’s a $10 refund offer.

 All you have to do is buy TWO bottles of whiskey AND a 12-pack of beer. Any beer will do which is why the ad includes a generic 12-pack emblazoned with the word “Beer.” Apparently the whiskey company was incapable of finding a brewery that wanted to partner with them on the promotion. My theory? The beer companies saw the ad creative and ran.  

 Then there’s the contest.

 The whiskey company – whose name is nowhere in the ad – is giving away a deluxe home entertainment system to one lucky drunk that needs to upgrade their “outdated” recreation room.

 Unless it’s hidden in the fine print in the lower right corner of the ad, I have no idea what constitutes a “deluxe home entertainment system,” but don’t let that stop you from entering.

 All you have to do is send in a picture of your current recreation room. Of course you have to enter by mail using the form on the bottom which means you have to print the picture and put it in an envelope that won’t get mangled by the gentle souls at the post office, but don’t let that stop you from entering either.

Here’s what should stop you from entering: the fact that the agency that put this together still uses the term recreation room. Personally, it makes me picture green shag carpeting, a princess phone, guys in leisure suits and women in polyester mini-dresses. Just picture the absolute scariest mid-70’s era suburban key party and you’ll get an idea of the image in my brain when I hear “recreation room.”

Of course I think the whiskey is Canadian. That explains a lot.

domu.com is a service that helps Chicagoans find new apartments in the city. The company recently launched a new transit campaign buying display ads in El cars. The gist of the ads being that they can match people with the right apartment and neighborhood for their personality.

For example there’s Josie who’s apparently both a civil engineer and a stunt double though I’m not really sure what stunts are being performed in Chicago or who she can double for with purple hair but that’s irrelevant.

What matters is that she found her apartment in the Loop on domu.com.

Ok, that sort of works.

But what about this poor guy?

Clean cut PJ here is a Turquoise dealer and he’s addicted to Chatroulette.

Wait! Are you shitting me?! Some copyrighter actually thought it was a good idea to have a transit ad feature a guy whose hobby is sitting at the computer watching random guys jack off.  And it’s not a casual thing for PJ. Remeber he’s ADDICTED to Chatroulette.

If I’m the model whose headshot was used for this board my agent is getting a nasty phone call. If he’s lucky he lives somewhere far away so his friends will never see this. Unfortunately for him, the model most likely lives in Chicago and will never, ever live this down.