This year, we here at Dead Tree Media saw so much carnage on the tech front, that we decided to write our first ever “yearend list” that highlights not only the biggest controversies, but those that actually turned out to be nothing once the facts came to the surface (yet, are still constantly used in jokes on Nerve… sorry Netflix).

#5. The Apple iPhone 5… Sorry, 4S

The folks over at Mashable and TechCrunch love a good Apple rumor. Even if they have absolutely no factual backup, they will let fly a collection of Apple myths and pose it as a full-fledged, fact-checked story that came right from the cold, dead lips of Steve Jobs himself. This year, it was all about the launch of the latest incarnation of the iPhone, which turned out to be called the iPhone 4S, much to the chagrin of those that swore it was going to be the iPhone 5.

The only problem… nobody actually knew what the difference between and iPhone 4S and an iPhone 5 would actually be in the first place.

You see, all the Apple lovers out there (admission, I actually own an iPhone 4S) had been carefully watching all the rumors about the feature set of the next iPhone, wondering which features would make the cut and which would not, and all the while, calling it an iPhone 5, because, well hell, it was up to them to name another company’s product. Then, like a kid that gets dumped just before the prom, Apple decides that the feature set included in this update isn’t worthy of a full incremental update and ended up calling it the iPhone 4S, with the S standing for “speed” just like last time they did this with the iPhone 3GS.

The crazy thing… some people actually decided that they weren’t going to get the latest model because it wasn’t an iPhone 5. Wait… what? These idiots didn’t even know what an iPhone 5 is, yet they swore that this piece of vapor hardware is bound to be better than the model that actually exists. Ben Parr of Mashable and a bunch of other reporters actually said out loud during the press conference, “Wow, I was hoping it was the iPhone 5,” after the name was announced… before the list of features was even revealed.

I know you guys are all about the next big shiny thing, but could you at least wait for it to exist? No wonder the people over at Samsung made fun of you in their commercials.

#4. iPhone’s Siri is Pro-Life

Some tech controversies are so hot that they actually creep over into the non-tech world and get picked up by the regular media. Such was the case when it was discovered that if you tell the virtual assistant built into the iPhone 4S, Siri, that you want to get an abortion in the New York area, she suddenly can’t find any abortion clinics near your location. Not only did the media lose their shit over this one, but the ultra-religious, pro-life groups claimed it as a victory, and the pro-choice groups claimed that it was right wing plot.

The only problem: Siri’s a fucking computer program, and computer programs are only as smart as the people who create them. While Siri can do some amazing stuff (seriously, it’s a mind bending piece of technology… after I picked up my iPhone 4S, I lost a week of my life talking to her, so much so, my wife thought I was having an affair), it can’t go beyond its programming. So, when you ask her for an abortion, and there are no businesses that actually use the word “abortion” in their name, she won’t make the leap and show you abortion clinics. However, if you asked her for a Planned Parenthood location, she can whip up a list in seconds flat.

The real nutty thing here… everybody should have figured this out a lot faster than they actually did. Some of the best minds in the search engine marketing business wrote articles explaining the issue to people, yet the idiots over at Fox News and even some of the smarter members of the press, kept getting it wrong, over and over again.

Folks, they are just machines… they can’t be pro or con anything, they can’t be racist, they can’t love or hate or anything else that we do. So, the next time you think your phone is out to get you, do me a favor and just turn it back in to the store, you’re clearly not intelligent enough to own such a sophisticated piece of technology.

#3. Carrier IQ is Tracking Your Every Move

Back in November of 2011, an Android developer named Trevor Eckhart, released a video on YouTube and a blog posting on his site that claimed that he had been tinkering around inside of his phone’s software and discovered that a piece of software by a company called Carrier IQ actually logs keystrokes and tracks users’ locations. Once both the tech and regular news media got a hold of this, they lost their fucking minds like they had just discovered that someone had put a chip in their head… all without asking either the mobile carriers or Carrier IQ if it was actually true.

To make matters even worse, the mobile carriers, device manufacturers, and Carrier IQ said next to nothing after the story broke and ended up looking like they had actually been caught doing something. Eventually, when sites like Mashable wouldn’t shut up about it, they started to come forward to finally clear the whole mess up. Some of them plainly said that, no that’s not what that software does; while they do use it to improve the quality of their service, they aren’t tracking your keystrokes or location. A few came out and flat out denied that they used Carrier IQ at all, while others, went a bit extreme and said that they would stop using Carrier IQ immediately. Poor Carrier IQ came out and made it as clear as possible, over and over again, that they weren’t up to anything, but people still kept losing their shit like, to the point where Congress was asking for them to drop by for a chat.

Here’s the thing folks… tech companies like Carrier IQ or any other company that collects data on usage habits, purchasing habits, or whatever, doesn’t give a rats ass about you. In fact, they don’t even know who you are. And that’s on purpose, because of crazy shit like these trumped up charges against them. The usage patterns of one user are worthless; however, when you put them all together in one big pile, they are a goldmine of information that allows engineers and other analytics geeks to figure out how to improve things beyond your wildest dreams. Before they could do this, they would just base your satisfaction on surveys that only the feeble minded had time to answer, so the shit that was really bugging the paying customers, would never get solved. Now things get fixed so fast, people actually complain about how often their software updates instead of thanking the developers for handling bugs so rapidly.

Sorry people, Carrier IQ and all the other tech companies don’t know who you are and they prefer it that way.

#2. Netflix Raises Its Prices and Tries to Start a New Company, Quickster

I have to tell you right up front, I friggin’ love Netflix. Even back when it was all about DVDs, I thought the idea was the best thing since sliced bread. As someone who never had time to hang out in the video store on a Friday night, I loved the fact that freshly baked DVDs would arrive in my mailbox each week. Then, when they introduced streaming over the computer or Xbox or PS3 or a crapload of other devices, I about lost my mind. This was science fiction come to life… the ability to watch movies instantly over a dozen different devices was the stuff of legend and frankly, the world should all bow down and kiss Netflix’s bright red ass for figuring out how to do this.

One of the most amazing things about the streaming service was that it was included with your regular DVD subscription service, which was nice. Occasionally, when you were in the gap between the physical discs arriving at your door, you could go back and catch up on some old TV or some of the less popular titles. However, over the summer of 2011, now that everybody was comfortable with using streaming and completely addicted to its charms, Netflix decided to actually start charging people for something it had been giving away for free.

Let’s look at that again… Netflix, a company who is in the business of making money, had been giving their customers something for free, and then started charging for it when they decided the time was right. Notice I didn’t say they raised their prices, because they didn’t. Streaming video actually costs Netflix a lot of money to provide to its customers… a lot, a lot. If you somehow thought that they were getting the use of servers, internet lines, engineers, and a boat load of other things necessary to make streaming work for free, then I’ll just say it… you’re a fucking moron.

Netflix deciding to charge for something that they were losing money on isn’t a crime… it’s just a good business decision. I know, we all love to get shit for free, but if everybody did that, then we wouldn’t have anything left. Plus, it’s not like they forced you to take shit you didn’t want. If you wanted to just use the streaming service, you could do that. If you just wanted to do DVDs, you could do that, too. If you wanted both, then you were going to have to pay for both. Crazy, I know.

To confuse things further, Netflix decided to split off its physical DVD business into another company, called Quickster. It was a fairly simply concept really, Netflix was for streaming movies, and Quickster was for old school DVDs. While I never saw an article putting it this way, to me, this tacftic seemed like a way for the company to start the process of phasing out its DVD business, which was still making them money, but was more expensive and less profitable than the streaming business, plus, DVDs are bound to die out soon enough anyway (Blu-Rays are the last gasp of a dying industry, trust me). Think about it, Quickster could deal with all of the customers who still wanted DVDs, and when the time came for DVDs to go away, they could just shut the company down, while Netflix, which is now just doing streaming, was still running strong.

Did Netflix actually raise prices for its service? Nope. But, that didn’t matter, because every blog known to man took the idea of the change in pricing and ran with it, making Netflix look like a bunch of evil, money grubbing assholes. Then, with the launch of Quickster, people just thought that the people running the show had lost their minds. As you can imagine, I really felt bad for Netflix because in reality, the only thing they did wrong here was not handle their public relations properly.

Both the press and users claimed that Netflix wasn’t being transparent (which, by the way, they don’t have to be… it’s their company, if they want to make changes, they can) and were demanding the head of the CEO on a platter. In the wake of all the craziness, over 800,000 users left the service; however, if you think about it, these were probably people that were just upset that they were getting charged for something they once got for free, not the truly hardcore customers that loved the service no matter what. As a bonus, near the end of the year, some of the consumer satisfaction surveys came out stating that Netflix had lost some of its customer love, even though nothing about the service had actually changed.

People, get over yourselves; Netflix is in the business to make money and if you don’t want to pay for the service, then you don’t get to keep using the service. It’s just that simple. No great crime has been cast upon you; you’re just a pack of cheap bastards.

#1. Google is Out to Get Me and a Shitload of Other Crimes

Here on the cusp of 2012, you should know that Google is now a full-fledged, behemoth of a company. The goody two shoes, “Do No Harm” company that was born in a computer science lab has grown up into a good, old fashioned American company that employs thousands of people and makes billions of dollars. And, despite what you think, they are far from perfect… they fuck up like any other company out there and, you know what, we all need to stop taking it so personally.

Google was busy in 2011. They released a ton of new features, made a bunch of updates to their search algorithms, rolled out countless new products, bought dozens of startups, and pissed off a ton of people, all while smiling on their way to the bank. Some might think the pissing people off thing should make them feel bad or that someone should do something about that, but the thing is, they really don’t effing care anymore.

And frankly, I don’t blame them. Why, because they’re not in this business to make friends, they’re here to make money… a lot of money. If you don’t like the way Google does business, then please, go use some other product and shut the fuck up about it all… trust me, they won’t miss you in the slightest. For every one of you upright, controversy starved, raving lunatics that things that Google is out to take over the world, there are ten new users from kids in a classroom to your great aunt Matilda who used Google to find something today.

Plus, let’s just say it… you folks that think Google is out to rule the world, or that it favors the rich or big business, or that it’s out to sell your identity to the highest bidder, or whatever street corner lunatic theory you can come up with this week, you all are fucking crazy. Google has become so big, it has the same PR problems of the government; it’s never just the somebody screwed up, it’s that something evil is afoot and we should all fear for our lives.

My theory about life is this: there are two reasons why bad things happen to good people; either it’s because of something evil, or because of something stupid, and 99% of the time, it’s because of something stupid. Are there, in fact, evil corporations running around or even evil workers inside of what is a mostly good company? Absolutely. But, you simply can’t just think that everything Google rolls out each week is part of some Dr. Evil style plot to empty Fort Knox.

Google, in its attempt to continue to grow its business is going to continue to try new things, to update their software, to start or retire their products, and sometimes those things are going to work, and sometimes they are not. Sometimes Google makes some really fantastic decisions that nobody ever sees and sometimes it changing things just enough for a pack of nut jobs to think that they are out to steal your grandmother’s pearls. But folks, we need to get together here and realize that, when Google fucks up, it isn’t because they are evil, but because, they are a collection of humans doing things together and, as we should all know, humans fuck up all the time.

Get over it… it’s just a search engine, not the second coming.

Happy New Year.

Jeff

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A few notes for Motorola… not that they’re listening, but whatever…

• If you’re going to pick a fight by calling a technology company behind the times, maybe spend a few bucks on the ad that’s delivering that message.  This ad looks like it was put together by the interns for a meeting to kick off how to beat Apple, not like something you’re going to show AT THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL.

• Nobody but other ad people are going to get the 1984 joke, at least not in the way you hope they will.  The “1984″ here refers to the legendary Apple commercial that was shown once during the Super Bowl that year and has been discussed in the halls of advertising ever since.  Regular consumers probably don’t recall that ad at all, unless they are Apple freaks, so all they will think of is the years… which is fine if it were actually that funny.

• I’ve bitched over and over again about putting the wrong details in your ad and this one is loaded with them.  Unless they’re particularly nerdcore, people don’t give a shit about the processor or screen or whatever of their FUCKING PHONE… they want to know if it makes calls when they need it to and it would be nice if they could post pictures of their cat on Facebook or occasionally play a round of Angry Birds while they are taking a dump.

Now that I think about it, it’s pretty obvious that Moto did this to remind its shareholders that it still has a pair.  The problem is, they clearly don’t have any balls or it would have put this sucker out when Steve Jobs was still around.

I swear, Motorola’s next phone could crap donuts and I still wouldn’t think they’ve produced anything of interest since the Razor.

- J

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I worked for Napster for about three years and was systemically programmed to hate Apple and everything it creates because we regularly got our asses handed to us by iTunes.  Then, when I left the company, as soon as I needed a new phone, I picked up an iPhone.

I’ve said it before, I don’t hate Apple, I just hate the mindless drones it creates… mostly out of jealousy because I want that same power for myself.

J.

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Anyway, I hate myself for that damn headline, because, well, the ad below from Bing is about vampires… shit.  That’s just high school journalism style headlines right there…

According to the post on YouTube, this ad started appearing in October (AdFreak posted it as well about the same time), but somehow I have yet to see it on TV until last night while I was watching TV in my room in Vegas after losing all my seed money at the roulette tables at the Hard Rock (Note: I’m here to speak at Digital Hollylwood at CES, so if you’re in Vegas for the show, swing by and say hello… fuck, now I’m rhyming, shit just never stops.).  Not only did I see it, I saw it twice in the same night on two different channels, so it looks like they felt this ad needed to see the light of day… CRAP! No more damn vampire shit…

Anyway, the ad was part of a series of ads that featured different monsters or spooky shit, probably for Halloween given the original release date (HA! Reporting!), but all I’ve seen is this vampire one… twice.

So, I’m in the business of advertising and I write this blog, so I’m going to bother to look that stuff up, however, most people won’t.  In fact, that’s my problem… the timing.  You see, if the ad just showed up around Halloween and was part of a series of monster related ads, then I don’t think I would have cared.  But, since the ad is showing up now, in January, it just looks like Microsoft and Bing are jumping on the whole, stupid vampire bandwagon.

Advertisers, I know Vampires are big right now… teenage girls and middle aged women are all over the Twilight books (How Twilight Works – The Oatmeal) and there are a bunch of TV series with Vampires in them… I get it, really, it’s easy.  But seriously, you need to say to yourself, “fuck easy” if you really want to come up with some quality work.

I mean, the ad itself is OK work, but the idea of it even existing is just stupid.  Microsoft, Bing, I dig you guys, I really do… I’m not a Microsoft hater, even though some bitch at the check-in for your party wouldn’t let me in the door even though I was a speaker and my day job is totally a partner of yours… it’s not that at all.  I’m doing this because I love you and I want you to put out so many good ads that I don’t have to see so many damn Apple ads all the time.

So, the next time you’re in the storyboard phase of a new ad, ask yourself… is the Vampire thing effed out?  And the answer will always be, yes, yes the Vampire thing is definitely effed out…

J.

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My hatred of the “Get a Mac” campaign is widely known among friends and family, but you people are just readers, so you get to hear the rant from the beginning.

The friggin’ “Get a Mac” TV spots drive me crazy. Without fail, every single one of these ads that have come out have pissed me off to a level that I can never imagine I would ever get from a commercial. I mean, these things aren’t committing war crimes or destroying the environment, they’re friggin’ ads.  But man I hate them with the fire of a thousand suns.

And now AdweekMedia, as part of their “Best of the 2000s” series, has named these little abominations “Campaign of the Decade” (link)

Here’s what Barbara Lippert at Adweek had to say about the ads:

Apple always diverged from the “speeds and feeds” ads associated with the computer category, but the brand really defined itself with the 2006 launch of TBWA\Media Arts Lab’s “Get a Mac” campaign. That series of 60-plus ads brought some humanity into the equation by turning the machines into live-action cartoons. In so doing, the comic spots offer transparent understanding of the aspirations of its audience and how people identify—and connect emotionally—with technology. The genius is in the casting. The Mac guy, Justin Long, is a younger version of Steve Jobs who is casual and comfortable in his skin. PC, personified by John Hodgman, as a rounder, paler Bill Gates, is a well-meaning geek with all kinds of operating problems. For Apple, the campaign managed the neat trick of making the brand look laid back and cool while it mercilessly skewered its rival.

PC, singing the blues.

So, here’s my problem with these spots: they almost always have a flat out lie included in the copy. That said, the genius of these ads isn’t the casting, it’s the fact that they’ve been able to lie to the American public for about three years while everybody thinks these fucking ads are adorable.

My hatred for these ads was born when, early on, they started casting the stone that Macs don’t get viruses. It’s just a lie.  Apples have in fact gotten viruses over the years, but where they get around this is that it doesn’t happen very often because they have such a small market share of the home computer market. Basically, why would a virus writer bother with a Mac when the PC market was so much larger. So Mac gets to say they are really good at blocking viruses, when in fact, their virus checker just isn’t that busy.

Then, you started seeing them say things like, Macs don’t crash, PCs  have a bunch of junk software on them… the list went on and on.  All of them just lying their little asses off all the way.  Because you know what? Apples do crash, a lot even; and they get viruses, and they come with their own crap software included.  You know why? Because despite their cute little packaging, Macs are still a GOD DAMN COMPUTER!

The new set that came out about the same time that Windows 7 hit the market had these fake little scenarios where there was a mass exodus of the Windows OS to Mac, because, “if we are forced to upgrade, we might as well really upgrade.” The problem was, there wasn’t a mass exodus. People who had Windows before just upgraded to 7 and that was it. I’m sure Windows lost a few, but whatever. I’m sure if you look at the Mac/PC market share, there wasn’t a dynamic shift. They even tried to make a case that the Windows 7 upgrade was more expensive than the recent Mac upgrade, but even my friends with a Mac said that was a goofy comparison because the most recent Mac OS upgrade was a “dot upgrade” versus Window’s major upgrade.

It’s just low class, back alley bullshit and it pisses me off that it works so damn well.

I’m actually not an Apple hater, in fact, I own an iPhone and my WiFi network at my house is on an Apple router. I learned design in college on a Mac and know a bunch of people that own them and swear by them.  In my opinion, Mac actually makes a decent little machine. The problem I run into is that these ads and a segment of their rabid fan base thinks these things are the second coming.

It’s a plastic box full of wires, calm the fuck down.

Here’s my real big problem: I can’t deny the fact that these ads are really damn good.  It’s undeniable how well they are put together. The no nonsense background, the lovable characters, and the perfect way they make the PC guy look like an idiot at his own hands while the Mac guy is just a straight man who usually only asks the PC guy, “what’s up, PC?”.  Hell, they let the PC do so much talking, for awhile there my mom actually thought they were a joint commercial between the two companies.

Brilliant.  So fine, take your little award from Adweek. The agency deserves it for delivering a three-year long snow job to the American people.  Bravo.

But know this, as much as Adweek and a lot of other pubs will come along and suck you off for your creative work, you have to really ask yourself, did the ads do what they were supposed to do?  Everybody loved that Joe Isuzu guy, too, but he actually didn’t move cars. According to one source, “Mac OS X’s share of the OS market increased from 7.31% in Dec 2007 to 9.63% in Dec 2008.” That’s about a 32% increase, but it’s still less than 10% of a really big damn marketplace. They spent millions of dollars over the past couple of years, you would think it would have been a bigger dent for all the attitude they sling around.

Just sayin’, happy for your success, but don’t be a dick about it.

J.

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