In recently came across two “free” offers that are causing me to rethink my mom’s sage advice. The first is from Nabisco who produces the little slices of heaven known as Oreos. When I found this coupon I think I actually sprouted blue fur and rumbled “Cookie!”

I dutifully went to the Nabisco Facebook page only to discover the fine print which reads, “Customer must buy 1 package of Nabisco cookies, 1 gallon of milk and any other size milk and get their second purchase of cookies for free.” Even ignoring the amazingly piss-poor grammar, I was mad. I thought I was getting free cookies which somehow taste even better than cookies you buy.

Reading the ensuing Facebook comments I learned the offer works for people with a bunch of little rug-rats that go through cookies and milk like… well… cookies and milk. Regardless I can’t imagine what possessed Nabisco to piss off consumers like me who have faithfully devoured Oreos for years but have no need for two packages of cookies and an entire cow’s worth of milk at one time. It’s not like there isn’t a free social marketing webinar starting every hour on the hour that would have explained the stupidity of this plan.

Then my faith in free was almost renewed.

I even heard a radio commercial for the offer that explains at length how it’s not a scam. It’s just free breakfast so you’ll try their new product. I should be excited right? I’ll let ABC News explain the problem:

June 7, 2010 (CHICAGO) (WLS) — An outbreak of salmonella illnesses in Illinois has grown. Health officials now report 48 cases.

The cases are linked to Subway restaurants in 18 Illinois counties, including Will County. That was the first county in the Chicago area to report an illness. There are two confirmed cases there.

People who ate at the restaurants got sick between May 11 and May 25. Seventeen people were hospitalized. All are recovering.

So, I ask you loyal Dead Tree Media readers; what’s worse? A free offer that will cost you about $10 or one that might leave you with diarrhea, vomiting, nausea, abdominal cramps, chills and muscle pain?

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For instance, take a look at this VW commercial that was shown during the Super Bowl this year:

Um, so “PunchDub”? There is no such thing as “PunchDub”… or at least there wasn’t until this commercial came out. So the idea that there are a bunch of people, including Stevie Wonder, wailing on each other when they see ANY VW is just inaccurate.

Before you jump on me, check your memory… what you’re thinking of isn’t “PunchDub,” but most likely “Slug Bug” or “Punch Bug” or “Punch Buggy.” Coming back to you now? Yeah, you and your kid brother probably did it as a form of justifiable violence during the 60s and 70s, back when every little punch didn’t mean you were mentally unstable and needed to be drugged up.

I know it sounds like I’m a little late with this since this was a Super Bowl spot, but I’m being reminded of it daily because VW of Southern California is running radio spots for “Volkswagen PunchDub Days.”  The radio spots are pretty much the same bit, and even throw in some manufactured nostalgia for the game that didn’t exist with a flashback to two brothers duking it out in the back seat. Every time I hear it, I feel my sanity slipping away a little because I can’t check with anybody by asking, “it was Slug Bug, right?”

I guess I just don’t understand why they felt they had to rename the whole game.  I mean, the game actually was about one of their cars!  Right?  It’s not as if they softened the game up by taking out the punching, which would be totally expected these days.  They just expanded it to include all of their cars, which is also fine, but you don’t get to tell me that it’s been around forever when it hasn’t.

I really wish advertisers would consider this stuff, then I wouldn’t have to take time from away from making dolls out of my co-workers’ hair to write up these postings.

Yours Truly,

The King of Prussia

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But, I guess it’s stressful for a lot of people and that stress is why Jackson Hewitt thinks it’s OK to put out groan inducing radio spots like this one:

Jackson-Hewitt

The spot starts out pretty simple, if not boring. Just a dude reading some copy about everybody wanting a big check from the IRS.  Can’t argue with that really.  But then, something goes horribly wrong with a knock on the door…

MAILMAN: Mailman! (grunting) Here, this tax return check was too big to put in the mailbox!

LADY: I know, I went to Jackson Hewitt and their work is guaranteed!

What is this, a Vaudeville act?  What’s with all the grunting? Is the mailman passing a stone?  It’s a damn tax refund check, not a comically large check given to the winner of the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes carved on stone tablets. Oh, what? You’re just being funny? Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize that.  You know why? Because it wasn’t fucking funny at all.

What’s with that goofy reply from the lady of the house?  The fact that their work is guaranteed doesn’t have dick to do with the fact that you went to Jackson Hewitt and got a nice return.  That would be the reply to if the mailman asked if he could trust them or if they knew how to fill in a form on TurboTax, which is what it looks like most of them are doing anyway.

One other weird thing; that “9 out of 10 Jackson Hewitt customers receive a Federal tax return” statistic sounds like one of those little throw away pieces of ad copy that customers just eat up like free donuts in the break room.  Turns out, according to the statistics page over at the IRS website, 85% of individuals who filed taxes in 2009 received a tax refund*.  If you’re having a hard time comparing, that means 8.5 out of 10 people got a tax refund.  That means Jackson Hewitt is par for the course at best, but they know nobody but crazy people like me are going to bother to look that up, so it’s a pretty impressive number to pass around I guess.

Man, this is the second tax commercial I’ve gone after this year.  I guess it’s not that I hate tax time because of the taxes, but because of the horribly made tax preparation company ads.

J.

* If you don’t feel like looking it up, basically the math works out like this: In 2009 over 144 million people filed “individual” tax returns.  Of those over 144 million people, almost 124 million people received a tax return of some sort, which is a little over 85%.

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I remember when these spots started showing up on the radio and TV and thinking, “look at the sack on this mofo!” Not just for the fact that he put his own social security number on the line, but because I already knew the service he was providing was a big load of crap.

If you didn’t know, putting security holds on your credit reports are something that you can do for free with all of the credit reporting services. It basically keeps people from looking at your scores unless you really, really want them to. Sure, you have to contact the three different companies yourself, but you can do it fairly quick these days. By the way, same goes with getting your credit report… totally free. I know you love the little jingles from FreeCreditReport.com, but they are really pushing something you can get for free anyway so that they can sell you a similar credit monitoring service. Hell, half of you just read that twice and will still go to either site when the need arrives… ya big pack of zombies.

Anyway, if you read the TechDirt article, you’ll see that not only did the company get popped for bogus claims in their advertising (which takes a lot, by the way), the CEO in the commercial actually got his identity stolen. That’s just a big sack of awesome right there.

If that wasn’t awesome enough for you, the idiot actually went to the house of guy who stole his identity to get a confession out of him. Now that’s a service I would pay for! Hell, if I knew that someone from LifeLock was personally going to go to the home of a guy who snagged a loan using my social security and smacked him around a little, you could name your price for the service and I would pay it with a big goofy grin on my face.

But only if it included a video of the ass kicking… I’m not paying good money for a stern talking to here…

J.

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Frankly, I have no friggin’ idea if that was the case with this next set of ads.  I’m not a big, old school magazine pretending to be young and hip by having a blog under a different name; I’m just a dude who uses his spare time to escape from the hell his home life has become.  So, I don’t have the access to the information other ad review sites have, so I can’t even tell which agencies pull this shit together and frankly, I don’t have the energy to look it up.  Basically what I’m saying is, I’m talking out of my ass.

Anyway, my point here is that with the two campaigns I discuss after the jump, I noticed a real difference in the quality of the creative between the radio and TV executions.  Now, you may say, well of course, radio got the shaft, but it’s actually not that simple.  As you’ll see, for one brand, the radio execution is actually much better than the TV version, but not so much for the other.

First, let’s look at Taco Bell’s new campaign for their 5 Layer Burrito and it’s TV spot:

Wow, what a goofy piece of crap.  I get it, the guy is approaching the way too hot to be working at a Taco Bell chick behind the counter like he was buying a car or something and asks her to go get another way too hot to be working at a Taco Bell chick to hook him up with a cheap price.  However, it just doesn’t work here and the ad just comes off as stupid.

The guy is way to normal looking to be acting this kind of crazy and/or stupid and the chicks behind the counter react way too calmly to an insane person that is asking for a special deal on a burrito.  This dude should be in a long jacket that is partially covering a well-worn Teletubbies t-shirt, with wild strands of hair sticking out from a hat he made from a box of Wheaties and some pipe cleaners.

I could make an easy race joke here about the workers at that Taco Bell but, one, I’m not a racist asshole; and two, when I lived in Wisconsin for awhile, I actually did see some white chicks working behind the counter at fast food places, so this isn’t a complete fantasy… however, they did make them a little too hot to be believed.

Now, on the other hand we have their radio spot, which is take off on the very popular “Tella Novellas” (Spanish language soap operas):

Taco Bell Radio Spot – 5 Layer Burrito – Version 1 Dude

Now that’s actually pretty funny.  Sure, it’s a little goofy, but it’s actually meant to be goofy… they committed to the humor and carried it all the way through.  Plus, the ending is a little risque for a Taco Bell ad and I like that side of them a lot.  Of course, they either had second thoughts about that ending or are testing another because I heard a second version of it the other morning:

Taco Bell Radio Spot – 5 Layer Burrito – Version 2 Affair

The “I’m having an affair, too” bit isn’t as funny as the trans-gender humor, but hey, the ad still works as a whole and I actually enjoy listening to this one rather than watching that train wreck of a TV spot.

Next up, we’ll see the better quality ads switch from radio to TV in an ad for Diet Dr. Pepper.

I actually saw this Diet Dr. Pepper ad in one of my favorite test environments, a bar.  You see, most of the time in bars, especially sports bars, you have a dozen TVs running with different games and other programming, but you usually only have the sound up on one of the key games of the day.  In this instance, I caught the Diet Dr. Pepper ad on one of the TVs with the sound down, but oddly enough, I got the gist of the concept almost immediately… a support group for imaginary creatures.

For starters, the production value on this ad is impressive.  I mean, Diet Dr. Pepper is just selling brown caffeine water, but they obviously spent a shit load on this ad.  Look at it, the Rudolph of my youth didn’t look that good.  The jokes are funny, the voices are well done.  It’s basically a really great ad that is framing a smart concept.

Now, somewhere along the line, the quality of the campaign went to hell in a hurry because the radio spot just didn’t work as well. I think they may have blown their budget on the TV spot.

Dr Pepper Radio Spot – I Exist – Version 1

Now, unlike the Taco Bell TV ad, this radio spot is still kind of funny.  The leprechaun’s voice is a little cliche’ and over done, but whatever, how the hell do I know what an imaginary creature really sounds like? They could have nailed it.

Anyway, I think what my problem with this ad is that there’s almost too much of it there.  It’s actually the same length as any other radio spot, but man do they try and cram as many jokes on this concept into a very tiny space.  Personally, I think if they would have cut some of the weaker jokes out (like the alien picking a side) and just slowed it down a bit, it could have worked a lot better.

Oh wait, did they hear my screams from the 5 freeway?

Dr Pepper Radio Spot – I Exist – Version 2

Nope, that one sucks even more. Well, maybe they didn’t understand what I was screaming as I raced by because this one is almost too slow and, just not as funny.  I actually can’t tell if this is just a follow up to the first ad or the agency testing a new concept because the first wasn’t working with audiences.  The jokes in this one just don’t work and they slowed down the leprechaun’s patter so much that he sounds like he’s about ready to fall asleep.

* * *

My point to this comparison is that agencies need to use their A game across the entire campaign’s execution.  I know times are tough and good people are hard to find, but agencies, you really need to push to make this shit work at every touch point.  You guys simply don’t have the luxury of having audiences follow the same media usage patterns that they used to and there is a better chance that your target only heard or saw one execution of a campaign and there’s always a chance it’s going to be the one you half-assed out of the door to make a deadline.

There’s something larger to be said here about pride of workmanship and the responsibility of both the agency and the client to push out the best work possible in the name of making the company as successful as possible.  I know this country is going through some economic shit right now  and it’s not all bad advertising’s fault, but let me tell you, it’s definitely not helping.

J.

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Anyway, their whole thing with their ads is about how they use real customers instead of “high paid actors” to save money and pass that savings on to you. Why, here’s one of their real customers now…

Fresh and Easy Radio Spot – Jill

For starters, they lost me at the get go because they say they use “real customers” INSTEAD of “high paid actors.” Unless that golden throated announcer is a box boy or something, they paid an actor to do this ad. Plus, they paid all kinds of people to record the ad, place the media, the media itself, and so on. At this point, an actor doing the bulk of the copy is probably lost in the shuffle.

Second, I’m sorry, but this customer is having way too hard a time reading her line. Oh sure, she sounds like she’s freestylin’, but she definitely has some talking points in front of her and she’s not even getting those out clearly.

Top all that off with the fact that “Fresh & Easy” sounds like something you would find in the feminine hygiene aisle and you’ve got one heck of a crappy little ad.

J.

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1-800-Get Slim Radio Spot – New Year

Remember the movie Demolition Man with Stallone and Sandra Bullock when she still looked cute in skin tight uniforms?  I like that movie… oh wait, I had a point there.  Right, because in that movie they had this shtick where they had a whole station full of jingles from old radio spots.  They rode around in their little car singing the Oscar Myer Wiener song and we all had a good laugh.

Do you think if that movie came out today they would use this little ditty from 1-800-Get-Slim?  Of course not, because IT’S A FRICKIN’ STUPID IDEA TO HAVE A JINGLE IN AN AD ABOUT WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY!

Look, I know a few people who have had this procedure (hell, I’ve had a few people tell me I need to get this procedure) and they’re all very happy now that they can see their genitals when they shower.  However, this ad isn’t to these people, it’s to the people who need to see their genitals in the shower and let me tell you, those people are not jolly, no matter what the songs say about them.

Ads like this are born from purely bad ideas that somehow aren’t killed before they see the light of day.  Just imagine that someone wrote the tag line, “Let your new life begin, call 1-800-Get-Slim” and noticed it rhymed and they jokingly sang it to get a giggle out of the cute chick in accounting.  That’s where the idea should have died.  Unfortunately, it got passed around until upper management heard it and thought it was a great idea and before the copywriter could say, “but sir” it was on the air, ruining my morning.

Remind me to send them something nice… like a basket of muffins.

J.

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With that in mind, I bring you the next edition of Local Lame Ad Spotlight from Horizon Air and Mammoth Mountain.

Mammoth and Horizon Air

I actually have to give these guys a little credit for what starts off as a somewhat clever idea. The whole thing with the “birds of Mammoth Mountain” thing is a funny start and so is the first example of the “yellow bellied piper”.  Then something goes really wrong with this ad in a hurry. Actually, let me be specific, the “winged cougar” joke is the only problem with this ad.  After that joke, they go back to actual flying things (a Horizon jet) and the theme is kept in check.

For starters, the cougar jokes are effed out. They just are and we all need to move on.  Second, what possessed the writer to think that was even funny.  He had a great line of things going with “yellow bellied piper” because that actually sounds like a bird, but a “winged cougar” just sounds weird… like it was forced on him or something.  Honestly, it feels like his boss read the original copy and said, “put a joke about cougars in there, it will be funny” and he was powerless to resist the suggest lest he have keep working and skip the pub that night.

Horizon and Mammoth, I know you’ve got it in you to create great ads. You were right there with this one and then you let yourself wander off track.  Sure, you probably got a laugh out of everybody when you presented it, but they you should have looked at it again and said, “wait, that actually doesn’t work as well as it could…”  All it would have taken was another bird reference and this ad would have been solid, I promise.

I’ve said this before, but seriously, copy writing and making ads is your damn job.  It’s what you do for a living.  Sure, you can make arguments about how “you’re not what you do for a living,” but that doesn’t mean you can half ass it all the time and think you’re going to go somewhere.

Damn, now you made me sound like my dad and that just pisses me off more.  I hope you’re happy with yourselves.

J.

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Creed – New Album

That little burst of profanity in there is me getting cut off by some idiot and then racing around him in a fit of rage that would cause me to get a ticket from a member of the California Highway Patrol.  I can’t give the CHP too much shit, I actually was speeding and I know that has got to be one of the crappiest jobs in the world, but seriously guys, use the big gruff voice for guys who actually look like criminals, not the dude just trying to make it to work on time.  As a bonus, the one ticket became three tickets because I, 1.) somehow didn’t receive my registration renewal and my tags are expired and, 2.) didn’t get a new insurance card yet.  Awesome.  To top it off, when I opened my glove compartment up, my last ticket (not for speeding) popped out for the dude to see, so he was probably thinking, “well, look at this felon we’ve got here…”  I think the only think I could do to make it worse would be to haul ass from the scene after he found a dime bag, a fire arm, and a dead hooker in the trunk.

Crap, what were we talking about?  Right, the suck fest that is this Creed commercial.

So, for starters, let’s examine this media buy.  Someone, somewhere decided that it was a good idea to put a commercial for Creed, a washed up middle of the road rock band on LA’s very own KROQ.  Now, you may not know this, but KROQ, even in it’s modern form, wouldn’t be caught dead playing Creed right now (although they may have before; they’re very famous for giving bands shit that they used to play just six months ago).  KROQ is all about the Green Day, 311, System of a Down, and a bunch of other stuff that would melt your brain.  Creed actually belongs over on another station, STAR, which would probably play the new album, because they’re still playing the old albums.

Sure, you may say, “well wait, people listen to all kinds of stuff that is independent of their normal station!”  This is very true, however, the DJs at KROQ really don’t give a shit.  Just later that day, on my ticket-free ride home, Nicole turned down a request for Creed on the air claiming that if she played it, she would get her ass kicked.  A good media buyer would have asked if that kind of stuff happens and kept this commercial way the hell away from the station.  Then again, you can tell how hard up KROQ is for advertising dollars by the fact that they accepted an add for Creed in heavy rotation.

One final point, don’t put any member of the band in an ad for the new album… ever.  If these guys want to chat about their love of the music and their fans, they can do it in an interview or between songs on stage, but otherwise, keep them the hell off the air.  When a jock asks you about the process of making the new album, you sound cool; if you’re just sitting around telling anybody who will listen about your process, then you’re just a blowhard.

So, to sum up… friends don’t let friend drive while listening to Creed commercials.

J.

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CLICHE WIFE: My husband isn’t so good with directions…

CLICHE HUSBAND: I’m going to turn right…

GPS VOICE: Turn left here…

CLICHE WIFE: Which is why we have a GPS to help us get where we want to go, step by step, just like how TurboTax helps us do our taxes, step by step!

Oh what the fuck, really? “Men can’t ask for directions” humor?  What is this a comedy club in the 80s?  I’m pretty sure later on in the commercial I hear her throw out a zinger about leaving the toilet seat up, ho ho!  Wow, if they tried an ad like that with a woman screwing up directions, the ladies would lose their shit.  Classy stuff, Intuit.

CLICHE WIFE: My husband isn’t so good with directions…

NON-CLICHE HUSBAND: Luckily, I make more money than you do so I can afford this GPS to tell me the way to go. Hey, that’s kind of like how TurboTax works!

CLICHE WIFE: I want a divorce…

You know, for awhile there in the 80s and 90s, there was a really bad thing happening with commercials and sitcoms.  Basically, the idea was, “according to our data, women are the ones who do all the buying in the household, so if we make them feel superior, they’ll buy our crap!”  How did they make them feel superior? By appealing to their intellect? Nope, by making men look like idiots.

Is it coming back to you yet?  Most of the men in the ads and sitcoms for a stretch there were these fat, stupid slobs… think “According to Jim” and “King of Queens” and you’ll see it right away.

Luckily, that started to wear off when advertisers started to realize that if you do that shtick all the time, the men who do buy stuff, which is still a lot of us, will stop buying your crap because you made them look like a chump.

So what the hell is this prize doing in here?  It’s not like this ad is just running during womens programming, it was on during a football game on Sunday.  Do they think just women buy their product?  I know I used to when I had a few simple tax forms to fill out (throw in a house and couple of small businesses and goodbye software), but I’m pretty sure I’m would think twice about buying from a company that thought men were stupid, no direction askin’ idiots.

Unfortunately, I can’t get a copy of the TV or radio spot, so instead, here are a couple of strippers providing tax tips:

Piece of advice – don’t insult your audience, they don’t like that. Dick.

J.

PS – I love targeted banner campaigns.  When I test posted this last night, I was getting ads for TaxACT, TurboTax’s competitor. HA!

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